What’s Love Got To Do With It? Lifting the Lid on Romance

Listen in on iTunes and Subscribe!

Devi speaks with Barry Selby, The Love Confidant and Author of 50 Ways to Love your Lover.

Listen Live and discover:

  • The trap of online dating
  • Why do the faces change but the experience stays the same?
  • It is not about the other person (objects in the mirror are closer than they appear).
  • Relationship rebound vs. make-up sex.
  • Having sex all day (the art of foreplay).
  • Having better sex by being apart (polarity is the magnet).
  • What to talk about after sex
Barry Selby is The Love Confidant, professional speaker, published author and relationship transformation expert who specializes in empowering his clients to create conscious, passionate and deep relationships. His heart and passion is to empower successful single women to embrace and own their authentic feminine power and attract the best in their men!
 
You can learn more about Barry at:
 

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How To Increase Intimacy In Bed!

Shetroit Sex and Sensuality Column

Devi Ward Column

Q – DEAR DEVI,

My partner and I have been together for more than 10 years. Although I like our sex and the way he touches me, there are times when I desire a little something different.

I’m wondering if you have any suggestions for how to communicate this to him – without making him feel inadequate, or that our sex isn’t good enough?

A – Yes, I do have some suggestions!

First off – I want to congratulate you on your long-term relationship and that you’re still having sex.

The latest statistics show that over 40 million marriages are sexless … so kudos to you!

Secondly – a great thing to keep in mind is that as we mature in life, our bodies change.

Our bodies are in a constant state of flux so depending on what’s going on for us mentally, emotionally, and physically, chances are our sexual sweet spot may not be the same from year to year, or even from experience to experience.

Hormone levels are different, energy levels fluctuate, stress levels may increase or decrease due to children, career, retirement etc.

All of these things will effect how we respond to sexual stimulation, and this is just as true for men as it is for women.

And this is where attitude is all important.

Sex is like a conversation – if we enter into it thinking that we already know what the other person is going to say – there is very little room for growth, expansion, or change.

Personally, I like to approach every sexual experience like an adventure or a “game” of sensual discovery, and I recommend setting aside some time for this by making a sensual “play date” once a week.

This sensual play date is the opportunity for you to begin exploring your new and ever changing bodies with a spirit of curiosity, innocence, and mutual pleasure.

I suggest taking some time to just give and receive sensual touch, while communicating about placement, pressure, and what feels the most delicious for each of you.

It’s kind of like you get to learn each other all over again, but as you are right now – after all those years of commitment, growth, triumph and challenges.

Taking time to explore your sensual pleasure will significantly increase the intimacy in your marriage, and may help resolve lingering intimacy problems, and smooth out relationship difficulties.

Thirdly – believe it or not, there are just as many men as there are women out there craving a little something “different.” And they are often just as afraid to ask for it!

It sounds as if what you are essentially wanting is to deepen your sexual intimacy, deepen the bond between you, and explore your mutual pleasure.

What loving partner wouldn’t want that?

 Find out more about how you can create more conscious loving intimacy, and have more passion and excitement in the bedroom at Better Love and Sex.com

The Arousal Factor…

The Arousal FactorLast week I discussed 2 aspects of “The Libido Issue”-  desire and arousal, and clarified the distinction between the 2.

This week we take an in-depth look at arousal.

Arousal is your body’s ability to respond to sexual stimulation, meaning – when you do engage in sexual activity are you able to enjoy it, and does your body respond the way you would like it to?

If your answer is NO,  fear not, for we have solutions at hand!

There are a few different factors that may be contributing to your body’s seeming lack of cooperation.

Again- it’s important to first rule out any possible medical condition such as hormonal imbalance or deficiency, and confirm that there is no anatomical obstructions of blood vessels, nerves, or arteries.

Once that is done, you can take matters into your own hands (so to speak) and look at these other possible options.

#1) Are you in your head?

Do you have a hard time shifting gears from day to day life, right into sexual response?

Of course you do. Who doesn’t?

Please always take into account the fact that –women especially need some time to “come down” and disengage from our overly active intellectual minds. 

It’s completely unrealistic to expect your body to just instantly respond the minute stimulus is introduced. 

Give yourself some time to get fully present in your body, and CONNECT with it, before demanding that it perform for you.

#2) Are you ready? 

One of my favorite info tidbits to share with people is the fact that women have as much erectile tissue internally as a man does externally.

It just takes us 20-45 minutes to get a hard on!

Expecting your body to instantly respond to any sort of stimulation is again- unrealistic.

It’s kinda like trying to go for a 10 mile run without warming up at all, or driving your car in the freezing cold, without warming up the engine first.

Everyone knows the importance of warming up the engine before going on a long or even short drive. Same applies to your body’s sexual engine.

#3) What are you feeling? 

Do have a lot of anxiety or “should’s” about sex?
How do you feel about your partner?
Are there unexpressed hurts between you?
Have you been sexually or emotionally traumatized?

Part of the beauty in the design of the human body is the fact that we store emotions in the cellular tissue.

It is a very normal and natural function to “desensitize “when are experiencing stress, fear, shame, hurt, guilt, or any kind of emotional pain. 

Thoughts, emotions, and traumas that relate to sexuality or our sexual identity naturally get stored in the genital and pelvic region.

This is why regularly practicing exercises such as the 5 core pelvic movements and vulva massage, are so essential to our sexual health and ongoing sexual pleasure.

In my work, I find that so many women and men are in pain about some aspect of their sexual experience; whether it’s past abuse, religious conditioning, being poorly treated and undervalued in relationship, or simply don’t understand their body and the way it works.

If you have questions about your sexual experience, your sexual pleasure, or even just need some perspective, I invite you to contact me for a free consultation, or shoot me an email anytime.

Often the answer to these questions is a lot simpler and easier than one would think.

All it takes is a little education and a change in perspective.