Devi speaks with alternative lifestyle and sex positive expert, Jon Pressick about BDSM, sex positivity, and alternative lifestyles. Jon Pressick is the sexual community’s gadabout. Some days he’s the new editor of the Best Sex Writing series. Some days he’s … Continue reading
Your Free Female Orgasm Guide Is Here! Get yours today at Devi Ward Tantra.com Are you frustrated and unsatisfied with your orgasms? Do you secretly fear there may be something “wrong” with you because you don’t orgasm during sex? Do … Continue reading
If you have ever watched a scary movie you know that usually the first person to get killed by the psycho axe murderer, is the girl who has sex.
She’s usually the bubbly, giggly, provocative one in really short shorts, who has no qualms about “going all the way”, while the girl who survives the slaughter is the one who has retained her chastity, and denied the sexual advances of her male suitors.
This may seem insignificant all on it’s own, but this is a common theme that runs throughout all the cultural media that we are exposed to, from the time that we begin listening to bedtime stories and Walt Disney fairy tales, to the time that we read teen novels, Harlequin romance.
We receive our education or “guidance” in this culture about what is socially acceptable behavior for men & women to engage in through our stories, our television shows, our movies, and other forms of media.
We are repeatedly shown images that first suggest to us preferred behavior patterns, and then reinforce that suggestion again, and again, and again, until it becomes a subconscious belief system that we are operating from without even knowing.
Advertisers are well aware of the power of repetition, which is why the same commercials, songs, and advertisements are played ad nauseum. I am 37 years old as I write this book, and to this day I still remember that Dunkin’ Donuts commercial from the East coast that played during the early 80’s, which showed a man rising early every morning with the statement “It’s time to make the donuts!”
I have confused many a friend and lover when I have spent the night at their house, and awoken in the morning singing “Time to make the donuts!” They look at me very confused and say “I didn’t know you were making donuts this morning, wow, what a treat.”
They are inevitably disappointed when I explain to them that donuts will not be forth-coming that particular morning, and that it is simply my cultural conditioning playing out. Yes I’m a joy to sleep with.
We are programmed from birth to accept certain behaviors, certain ideas, and certain beliefs all as part of our social conditioning. And yes, this is a vital function for us as humans, part of socialization so we can co-exist with a degree of relative, if not absolute harmony.
Yet, many of the belief systems that we have been conditioned to accept, especially in regards to our sexuality, are debilitating and harmful, and they are external suggestions that we have subconsciously accepted as our own.
These culturally conditioned belief systems control how we think and feel about our own sexuality, preventing us from innocently exploring that aspect of our HUMANITY, preventing us from knowing and understanding the truth of our own bodies, and our inherent connection to divinity that can be realized through our sensual awareness & sexual bliss.
We have been conditioned to fear our sexuality as women by the social suggestion that bad things happen to “those” kind of girls.
“Good girls don’t, bad girls do.” And who wants to be a bad girl? Cripes!
Bad girls at best get knocked up and live on the wrong side of the tracks in abject poverty, raising a child or two on their own, being social outcasts.
At worst, they get raped and killed, and end up in ditch somewhere, all for wearing a skirt that was too short, and having had too many lovers before.
The Walt Disney syndrome encourages all little “good girls” (and then teenage girls, and then grown women) to “wait” and wish and dream for the handsome prince who will ride up on his shining white horse, give us the kiss of life, and awaken us to a glorious new world of happily ever after.
The underlying suggestions of these stories are:
a) The girl has been living a life of relative suffering or boredom without out him.
b) She is under an evil spell and is sleeping or “dormant” (sexually dormant)
c) He is overcome with her beauty (pretty girls always win) and gives her the “kiss of life” (i.e. again, she is sexually dormant until the big strong handsome man comes and awakens her sexually)
d) They ride off into the sunset, and live happily ever after, her arms wrapped lovingly around his waist, her savior.
So what does this “fairytale” imply to my young and girlish mind?
It implies that; my happiness as a woman is dependent upon finding the right man to “save me” and life does not really begin until that first kiss.
It implies that; my sexual awakening lies in the hands of the perfect man, “my prince”, and that I lie in relative dormancy, living an un-awakened and somewhat unfulfilled life, until he the right man arrives.
And of course I am chaste and demure until that day, just wishing, dreaming, hoping, someday….
And thus I wonder, how many women are still waiting for the “right man” in order to finally “find happiness”?
How many women found “prince charming” only to have him leave her for another woman 10 years and 2 kids down the road?
How many of us kissed man, after man, after man, desperately hoping, wishing and praying that he would finally be THE ONE, and we could finally be happy, the search would be over, life has now begun!
The point I am trying to make with all of this is that- from the time we are little girls, we are overtly and subtly conditioned through various types of cultural suggestion to believe that our life happiness and sexual pleasure lies in the hands of a man, our handsome prince, THE ONE.
Even the wildly popular “modern” female erotic book 50 Shades of Grey follows the pattern of – sexually awkward and un awakened young woman, meets older, wealthy, and sexually powerful man, who takes her under his wing and proceeds to awaken her to her own sexual pleasure. She is enraptured and falls under his spell. Devoted to this one man who has awoken her and given her the kiss of life.
This reads like a Harlequin Romance, but set in modern day. A sexed up version of Snow White and Cinderella, with descriptions of what happens in the bedroom of the big castle, at the end of their sunset ride.
Women are dissuaded from consciously exploring their own sexual pleasure, beyond a clitoral orgasm here and there, and many times not even that.
I have had many women share with me that they have never self-stimulated in any way, and felt very uncomfortable with the thought of doing so for themselves. As if giving themselves sexual pleasure somehow takes away from their partner.
I remember thinking for most of my life that the inside of my vagina was “his territory” , to be reserved for men, or “the right man” to explore.
I was horrified at the thought of sticking something inside of me for my own pleasure, and did so with great reservation and quite tentatively at first, as if I would somehow damage the sanctity of my vagina by daring to venture into that territory by myself.
This fear of owning, knowing, exploring, and understanding our own physical-sexual pleasure keeps us fragmented, helpless, weak, confused, & dis-empowered in life.
This fear keeps us disconnected from our own intuition, and the inherent knowing that arises from being deeply connected to our bodies and the visceral responses that they give us as guidance. The body knows what it wants. There is a deep instinctive wisdom that we can tap into when we honor the information that it gives using the form of sensations. Pleasure/happy=good, pain/yucky = bad or dangerous. It is that simple.
When we remain ignorant of the most basic understanding of how we feel we offer up control of not just our own pleasure, but our own clear wisdom and choices into the hands of another person, usually our male partners.
Which is also dis-empowering for them, as they are now charged with the task of being responsible for our sexual pleasure & satisfaction, without any real guidance of how to do so.
I believe The Walt Disney Syndrome contributes to sexual dissatisfaction for both men and women, (and partners of all genders) by encouraging unrealistic expectations for both parties. Women believe that the “perfect man” will know how to kiss her perfectly, and fulfill every sexual longing she has ever had (all of her sexual longings being fed her through media, fairy tales, and romance novels such as 50 Shades of Grey).
Read more about Female Sexual Empowerment in my new book- “Shake Your Soul-Song! A Woman’s Guide To Self-Empowerment Through The Art Of Self-Pleasure”
Get a coupon for $5 off your copy when you register for my 7 Favorite Sensual Enrichment Suggestions.
What do you think of The Walt Disney Syndrome? Please share your thoughts and comments below.
Like this article? Share it and spread the word!
- Female Sexual Revolution~Why It’s Time To Take Your Pu**Y Back. (deviward.wordpress.com)
- 66 Days Of Self-Pleasure (deviward.wordpress.com)
This is the original text for my ShowoffBooks photoshoot. From what I understand, this book was originally created as a statement against the growing practice of Labiaplasty, though it has since evolved into a more vast and poignant expression of self-empowerment for all women.
On December 11th, after an incredibly challenging day of missing 2 ferries to Vancouver city and driving for eons, we arrived at the photo shoot. It was the very last day of shooting, and the author and photographer had generously stayed later than scheduled, as a result of my unplanned tardiness. I was immediately struck by the vibrant beauty and aliveness of the Author (Wrenna) and the precision and skill of the photographer (Katie). The actual photography took about 7 minutes to complete.. stand and snap, recline and snap. Somewhat anti-climactic after the intensity of the day, but more than made up for by the opportunity to participate in such a revolutionary work of art. Not to mention spending some time with these two very exceptional women. Mine was the very last Yoni photographed, and I was number 69. This is my story….
My name is Devi and this is my Lotus. I am 36 years old and I have no children, as a life choice. I am a Tantric Sexuality Educator and the fact that I chose to participate in this book is to me, a statement of the tremendous healing, growth and transformation that I have experienced as a result of the sexual practices that I teach. I believe that both women and men grow up with an underlying sense of shame regarding their sexuality, as a result of the “sex negative” culture in which we live. As a young woman, I grew up with a deep sense of shame regarding my vagina, though I could not pinpoint an exact experience that would cause this. The fears and shames consisted mostly of A) The fear of smelling bad, B) The fear of my vagina being too “loose from use”, both literally and figuratively, and C) Just a subtle and subconscious “sense of being dirty down there”. During the process of sexual healing that I have undergone these last few years, I have become aware of the direct physical impact that these subconscious emotions of fear, shame, and guilt have, on our ability to fully experience pleasure as women. In regards to the appearance of my Vulva… to shave or not to shave was about as far as it went for me. Though I do remember that when I was a stripper, I would often discreetly peek at the other girls in the dressing room, out of the corner of my eye, trying to unobtrusively “compare goods”. I remember seeing vulvas with the inner labia sticking out a bit, and thinking how pretty that looked, like a flower, and kind of wishing mine looked the same. Mildly I wondered if mine was “different” in some way, normal, attractive, etc. I regularly had men report to me that my vagina, yoni, (and now lotus), was “very pretty”…so my need for vaginal acceptance was met, at least on the level of appearance. Honestly, it didn’t even occur to me that one could surgically alter the appearance of the Vulva until now. When I learned about Labiaplasty, (very recently in fact), I felt a tremendous sense of sadness that any young woman would be in so much pain about the appearance of her vulva, that she would willingly choose to have it butchered. To have that delicate, highly sensitive, pleasure-enhancing tissue surrounding the vaginal opening, willingly cut up and cut off, in order to fit some culturally conditioned standard of beauty. Then I read more, and learned that Labiaplasty sometimes also includes the clitoral tissue as well. This sounds dangerously similar to the process of female circumcision, the intention being to minimize, (if not eradicate completely), the pleasurable sensations of intercourse, so that a women feels little-to-no pleasure during sex. Isn’t female circumcision considered a “crime against humanity” in some countries? And also, my god! Don’t we as women have enough culturally enforced “body-image” issues already? Now this? On top of having to constantly manage my hair, my skin, my nails, my weight, my boobs, my ass, now I have to have the perfect looking pussy too. According to who, I wonder? And for what…? What is the “golden mean” that we are all desperately trying to achieve with this inward twisting and turning, and outward slicing and dicing? What is the burning need, the passionate desire that inspires us to work so hard for physical perfection? That allows us to brutalize ourselves internally, and at times mutilate ourselves externally?
I believe it is the desperate and unremitting need for love and acceptance. That basic, underlying desire that we all have as Human beings; to be loved. To simply be loved, and accepted, exactly as we are.
And so I feel very sad that some women feel that the best strategy for accomplishing their goal of love and acceptance, is to willingly have themselves “circumcised” in a sense. To have their precious labia cut off, and their bliss pearls (clitoris’s) altered to “look more appealing”. How will they ever feel pleasure after that sort of trauma? I know the intense amount of emotional and physical healing that my Vulva and Vagina needed to undergo in order to reach my full orgasmic capacity as a woman, and my trauma was purely emotionally and psychologically based. I can’t imagine what it would take to re-sensitize a vulva after that sort of physical damage has been done.
In all honesty, I believe the growing practice of labiaplasty is a red flag for us, not just as women, but for all of us, as a spiritually and sexually disconnected society. A very drastic and painful testament of what we all do to ourselves on some level, in an attempt to have those basic underlying Human needs for acceptance, love, and connection met. And tragically, how so many of our strategies fail.
My name is Devi and this is my pussy, my vulva, my yoni, cunt, vagina, mandala, and very Secret Sky.
To learn more about ShowoffBooks please visit them at http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Show-Off-Books/135439953171699