The Arousal Factor…

The Arousal FactorLast week I discussed 2 aspects of “The Libido Issue”-  desire and arousal, and clarified the distinction between the 2.

This week we take an in-depth look at arousal.

Arousal is your body’s ability to respond to sexual stimulation, meaning – when you do engage in sexual activity are you able to enjoy it, and does your body respond the way you would like it to?

If your answer is NO,  fear not, for we have solutions at hand!

There are a few different factors that may be contributing to your body’s seeming lack of cooperation.

Again- it’s important to first rule out any possible medical condition such as hormonal imbalance or deficiency, and confirm that there is no anatomical obstructions of blood vessels, nerves, or arteries.

Once that is done, you can take matters into your own hands (so to speak) and look at these other possible options.

#1) Are you in your head?

Do you have a hard time shifting gears from day to day life, right into sexual response?

Of course you do. Who doesn’t?

Please always take into account the fact that –women especially need some time to “come down” and disengage from our overly active intellectual minds. 

It’s completely unrealistic to expect your body to just instantly respond the minute stimulus is introduced. 

Give yourself some time to get fully present in your body, and CONNECT with it, before demanding that it perform for you.

#2) Are you ready? 

One of my favorite info tidbits to share with people is the fact that women have as much erectile tissue internally as a man does externally.

It just takes us 20-45 minutes to get a hard on!

Expecting your body to instantly respond to any sort of stimulation is again- unrealistic.

It’s kinda like trying to go for a 10 mile run without warming up at all, or driving your car in the freezing cold, without warming up the engine first.

Everyone knows the importance of warming up the engine before going on a long or even short drive. Same applies to your body’s sexual engine.

#3) What are you feeling? 

Do have a lot of anxiety or “should’s” about sex?
How do you feel about your partner?
Are there unexpressed hurts between you?
Have you been sexually or emotionally traumatized?

Part of the beauty in the design of the human body is the fact that we store emotions in the cellular tissue.

It is a very normal and natural function to “desensitize “when are experiencing stress, fear, shame, hurt, guilt, or any kind of emotional pain. 

Thoughts, emotions, and traumas that relate to sexuality or our sexual identity naturally get stored in the genital and pelvic region.

This is why regularly practicing exercises such as the 5 core pelvic movements and vulva massage, are so essential to our sexual health and ongoing sexual pleasure.

In my work, I find that so many women and men are in pain about some aspect of their sexual experience; whether it’s past abuse, religious conditioning, being poorly treated and undervalued in relationship, or simply don’t understand their body and the way it works.

If you have questions about your sexual experience, your sexual pleasure, or even just need some perspective, I invite you to contact me for a free consultation, or shoot me an email anytime.

Often the answer to these questions is a lot simpler and easier than one would think.

All it takes is a little education and a change in perspective.

Help! What happened to my Libido?!

Female Libido One of the number one questions I receive from women all over the world is- “How can I increase my natural desire for sex?” i.e. how do I increase my libido?

I recently read a very insightful article addressing just this issue, which broke down the libido question into 2 categories- 1. desire for sex or 2. sexual aroual.

Libido is defined as- a person’s overall sexual drive or desire for sexual activity, which would look something like- your partner walks in the door and you want to jump their bones.

This is an entirely different issue than one of sexual arousal, which would look like- you jump your partners bones, but don’t really feel physically turned on, have much sensation, and/or have difficulty experiencing orgasms.

From my perspective (and the previously mentioned authors perspective) these are 2 very different scenarios, which will require very different strategies to correct.

Libido – (actual desire for sex)- can be affected by a number of different circumstances.

Personally, I find that once a possible hormonal imbalance or deficiency has been ruled out, the top 2 culprits for lack of sexual desire are:

#1. Stress, and

#2. Relationship issues such as- unexpressed emotions of hurt and/or resentment.

So when a woman asks me about how to increase her libido, I typically answer with a question of my own which is-

“How stressed out are you?”

Our modern lives are filled with an inordinate amount of ongoing daily stress triggers, keeping us in an almost constant state of fight or flight.

Being in this constant state of high alert wears down our body, causing physical aging and degeneration of tissue, and contributes to emotional irritability and lack of present moment awareness (think inner peace and joy!)

This can leave us feeling exhausted, depleted, and drained. I compare this to draining a battery, and as we all know batteries operate on electrical charge.

Think of your sexual desire in a similar way, as a current or charge of energy.

If you are feeling drained and depleted by the overwhelming demands of life, you probably won’t have a lot of extra juice available for frequent sexual connection.

Unexpressed feelings of hurt or resentment also drain the life energy out of a relationship, so chances are if you aren’t  “sexing” it’s because you aren’t saying something that needs to be communicated in order for you to WANT to be physically intimate with that person.

I also find that for many women sexual desire is more of an emotional impulse than a physical urge.

If you aren’t feeling emotionally connected to your partner, if there are walls and barriers between you, then the desire for sexual union can be almost entirely snuffed out.

Remember- sexual desire is the physical expression of  our heart and soul’s desire for union.

If desire for sex isn’t the problem, the next thing to look at is the arousal factor, which I will share some insights about next week.

Do you have questions about your sexual experience?

Would you like to learn more about your FULL orgasmic potential as a woman?

Contact me for a free consultation, or visit us at Better Love and Sex.com