Your Free Female Orgasm Guide Is Here! Get yours today at Devi Ward Tantra.com Are you frustrated and unsatisfied with your orgasms? Do you secretly fear there may be something “wrong” with you because you don’t orgasm during sex? Do … Continue reading
Thursday, October 24th, 2013 on Better Love and Sex ~ Devi is celebrating her birthday with her Non-Violent/Compassionate Communication Mentor, Isa Maria. Listen in as they answer questions about sexual communication, asking for what you want in relationships, and how NVC is … Continue reading
Do you know where your g-spot is? If so, do you sometimes experience a lack of sensation? Listen in as Devi Ward talks about why your g-spot is NOT broken (even if you don’t feel much), the importance of female arousal, and how … Continue reading
Thursday, October 10th on Better Love and Sex~ Join Devi and Explosive Sexual Healing Founders, Ben and Jen Rode, as they discuss how awakening a woman’s orgasmic potential can facilitate awakening in every other area of her life! Find Out: … Continue reading
Q – DEAR DEVI,
My partner and I have been together for more than 10 years. Although I like our sex and the way he touches me, there are times when I desire a little something different.
I’m wondering if you have any suggestions for how to communicate this to him – without making him feel inadequate, or that our sex isn’t good enough?
A – Yes, I do have some suggestions!
First off – I want to congratulate you on your long-term relationship and that you’re still having sex.
The latest statistics show that over 40 million marriages are sexless … so kudos to you!
Secondly – a great thing to keep in mind is that as we mature in life, our bodies change.
Our bodies are in a constant state of flux so depending on what’s going on for us mentally, emotionally, and physically, chances are our sexual sweet spot may not be the same from year to year, or even from experience to experience.
Hormone levels are different, energy levels fluctuate, stress levels may increase or decrease due to children, career, retirement etc.
All of these things will effect how we respond to sexual stimulation, and this is just as true for men as it is for women.
And this is where attitude is all important.
Sex is like a conversation – if we enter into it thinking that we already know what the other person is going to say – there is very little room for growth, expansion, or change.
Personally, I like to approach every sexual experience like an adventure or a “game” of sensual discovery, and I recommend setting aside some time for this by making a sensual “play date” once a week.
This sensual play date is the opportunity for you to begin exploring your new and ever changing bodies with a spirit of curiosity, innocence, and mutual pleasure.
I suggest taking some time to just give and receive sensual touch, while communicating about placement, pressure, and what feels the most delicious for each of you.
It’s kind of like you get to learn each other all over again, but as you are right now – after all those years of commitment, growth, triumph and challenges.
Taking time to explore your sensual pleasure will significantly increase the intimacy in your marriage, and may help resolve lingering intimacy problems, and smooth out relationship difficulties.
Thirdly – believe it or not, there are just as many men as there are women out there craving a little something “different.” And they are often just as afraid to ask for it!
It sounds as if what you are essentially wanting is to deepen your sexual intimacy, deepen the bond between you, and explore your mutual pleasure.
What loving partner wouldn’t want that?
Find out more about how you can create more conscious loving intimacy, and have more passion and excitement in the bedroom at Better Love and Sex.com
This is a common experience for most women, and one which you may be able to relate to- the kissing is hot, the passion juices are flowing, everything is green light go, but when your partner starts touching your genitals, everything goes a little numb.
It’s as if the rest of your body is vibrant and alive with stereo sound, and the sensation in your genitals is sort of… muted.
Or- you are experiencing pleasure, pleasure, pleasure, and then…oops! Oh god, I lost it! Oh crap, where did it go? Now I’m taking too long,…. maybe if he/she just went a little harder/softer/sideways, etc. etc.
And now you’re lost in your head, trying vainly to recapture those sweet moments of bliss you were just starting to get a glimpse of.
Disconnecting from our pleasure and desire during the sexual experience is very, very, common for many women. Most likely every woman will experience varying degrees of presence during sex, at various times throughout each sexual encounter.
But knowing that doesn’t make it any more fun when it happens.
So the question is- why is it happening and what can you do?
There are a few different reasons for disconnecting during sexual intimacy, and usually one or more of these issues is at play in any given moment:
1) You are have trouble focusing and getting “out of your head”
2) You are distracted by the recurrent thoughts of what would feel better, but are unable to communicate it verbally.
3) You are worrying- i.e. am I taking too long, is my partner is getting bored, are my thighs too fat?
4) You are trying to orgasm, straining, trying to perform
5) You are feeling emotionally unsafe or uncertain
6) You are afraid to really feel the pleasure, because it might be over too soon.
7) You feel uncomfortable with your body, the way it looks, smells, sounds
8) You feel guilty or shameful about sexual pleasure (i.e. good girls don’t like/want/enjoy sex)
9) You were sexually abused or violated in your past
10) You experienced a deep heartbreak, painful break-up, or serious let-down from a past relationship
One of these issues is enough to make your sexual pleasure train derail, but the fact of the matter is- often there are a few of these “sensual saboteurs” going on simultaneously.
So what’s a girl to do?
Well the typical answer is to encourage people to “Be More Present” during sex.
Which I find really unhelpful given that we spend 90% or more of our waking time lost in thought- thinking of what’s next on our “to do” list, being driven by unconscious thoughts and desires – and yet somehow we expect ourselves to just magically know how to get, and stay present, during sex.
But I ask you – if you’re unable to be present in other area of your life, how could you expect to be instantly present for this area of your life?
If you want to be more present and connect to your body during sex, I invite you to practice BEING present and connected to your body, in every other moment of your life.
Which is a great thing to say, but how do you actually do it?
The quickest, fastest route for getting present in your body, and out of your head, is by focusing on your breath.
Wherever you are, in any moment, simply notice your breathing pattern.
First- Notice if you are taking short, shallow rabbit breaths, (which is a symptom of fight or flight response,) or are you taking nice full belly breaths. Most likely if you are lost in thoughts and worry about past or future, you are in “fight or flight” response.
Next- take a few nice deep conscious breaths, and FEEL your body.
Feel your lungs and belly expand with air, feel your ribcage lift and open to allow in more life essence. Feel the slow, sweet process of life happening within you.
Then- notice how your body feels. Are there any areas of tension or stress? Take a few moments to consciously breath into any areas of physical, emotional, or energetic tension. Bring your conscious awareness and your breath to these areas, and relax.
I invite you to do this exercise for 5-10 minutes, several times during your day. Some people call this meditation, or you can simply think of it as “body – awareness.”
After practicing being present for a while outside of your sexual experience, I invite you to do the same practice of self-awareness during your sexual experience.
Become aware of your breathing pattern during sexual pleasure, and consciously practice taking deep full breathes.
Instead of following thoughts in your head, follow the sensations in your body, and when they run into little obstacles, (or “blocks to bliss”), breathe into those areas of tension and dullness, and practice relaxing, softening, and letting go.
You may find a whole new depth of pleasure, connection, and joy in your sexual experience, and a profound intimacy with yourself and your significant other.
Wanna experience your FULL orgasmic potential as a woman? I invite you to contact me and begin creating your Personal Pleasure Program for awakening your true sexual pleasure potential!
If you had asked me 5 years ago what “sexual healing” meant to me, I would have looked at you in confusion, blushed with embarrassment, and tried to change the subject. I, just like every one else I knew, found the topic of sex to be intriguing, somewhat bewildering, and quite uncomfortable to discuss openly.
Certainly I had no frame of reference for the concept of “healing” in that area, and no knowledge of the direct relationship that exists for women between their sexual “comfort,” and their feelings of self-confidence and self-worth.
I, like many women in western culture, was indoctrinated with the belief that “good girls don’t and bad girls do”. I spent much of my childhood and young adulthood trying desperately to shut out, shove away, and divorce myself from any knowledge of my sexual pleasure or desires, in fear of being categorized as a “bad girl”- a sentence which carried with it a whole host of undesirable outcomes.
Because of the terrifying cultural condemnation of my natural sexual curiosity, I proceeded to break myself into little pieces of acceptable and unacceptable parts, and filed the “bad” bits away deep within my psyche, in hopes that no one would ever find out what a naughty girl I really was.
The reality though, is that we cannot truly separate any part of ourselves from the rest of ourselves, without experiencing a fragmentation and wounding of our essential essence.
Somewhere locked away in that box of bad and naughty bits were aspects of my personality, which were vital components to my experience of self-worth, self-acceptance, and the intuitive wisdom of my soul.
These pieces of my soul, (which were integral to a healthy, wholesome, and empowered sense of self,) were buried beneath layers of sexual guilt, fear, shame, and ignorance, and were revealed only through the process of exploring and allowing my sexual pleasure to emerge.
Recent studies cited by author Naomi Wolf in her book “Vagina-A New Biography,” validate the relationship between sexuality and self-worth for women from a scientific perspective. She states “when a woman feels empowered to think about pleasurable sex, anticipate it, focus on how to get it, and feels in control of and knowledgeable enough about her body to know she can probably reach orgasm during sex – her brain gets a boost of the neurotransmitter dopamine.”
For all the science geeks out there- Dopamine is the neurotransmitter responsible for motivation and goal-oriented ness, trust in one’s own judgment, and most importantly, feeling self-empowered and confident.
My personal experience has been that- as my relationship to my sexuality has become free from culturally imposed attitudes of shame, fear, and guilt, new channels of self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-love, and self-respect have been opened and revealed. I naturally and effortlessly feel more whole, more connected, and more worthy of happiness, peace, joy, and “the good things” in all areas of my life.
The fact that my personal sense of self-worth was directly related to my sexuality came as a huge surprise at first, but as the layers of shame, guilt, and confusion have fallen away, I now experience the world with a peace and clarity that I believe every woman should have access to. Sexual self-acceptance is our birthright, and the gateway to a healthy, whole and fully integrated sense of Self.
So how do you get from A-B?
The task can seem daunting, but I assure it is a sweet journey, well worth undertaking.
Listen in as Tantra Master Healer Jacques Drouin and I discuss Healing Sexual Trauma on Better Love and Sex Radio!
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- The Nasty Little Secret You Keep Inside…. (deviward.wordpress.com)