Your Pleasure & Mine

Devi speaks with Mariotta Gary-Smith. “It’s Your Pleasure & Mine! Find out what it means to be a sexologist & sexuality educator;the importance of sex education in a sex negative culture & the importance of honoring Women of Color in this … Continue reading

What’s Love Got To Do With It? Lifting the Lid on Romance

Listen in on iTunes and Subscribe!

Devi speaks with Barry Selby, The Love Confidant and Author of 50 Ways to Love your Lover.

Listen Live and discover:

  • The trap of online dating
  • Why do the faces change but the experience stays the same?
  • It is not about the other person (objects in the mirror are closer than they appear).
  • Relationship rebound vs. make-up sex.
  • Having sex all day (the art of foreplay).
  • Having better sex by being apart (polarity is the magnet).
  • What to talk about after sex
Barry Selby is The Love Confidant, professional speaker, published author and relationship transformation expert who specializes in empowering his clients to create conscious, passionate and deep relationships. His heart and passion is to empower successful single women to embrace and own their authentic feminine power and attract the best in their men!
 
You can learn more about Barry at:
 

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The Scoop on Foreskin, Dick Pic’s and Getting Your Libido Back

Okay guys- What’s the deal with “Dick Pics” during online dating? Tonight on Better Love and Sex, Devi wants YOU to tell her WTF is up with that? Also- What’s the scoop on foreskin? Apparently it is the MOST sensitive … Continue reading

Stop Faking It! Tips For Getting Real In Bed!

Being Authentic is an important part of being. Many people are still not being real with themselves never mind their partners or in bed. Join Devi Ward and Self-Love Guru, Jennifer Masters as they discuss: How being “authentic” means to … Continue reading

The Arousal Factor…

The Arousal FactorLast week I discussed 2 aspects of “The Libido Issue”-  desire and arousal, and clarified the distinction between the 2.

This week we take an in-depth look at arousal.

Arousal is your body’s ability to respond to sexual stimulation, meaning – when you do engage in sexual activity are you able to enjoy it, and does your body respond the way you would like it to?

If your answer is NO,  fear not, for we have solutions at hand!

There are a few different factors that may be contributing to your body’s seeming lack of cooperation.

Again- it’s important to first rule out any possible medical condition such as hormonal imbalance or deficiency, and confirm that there is no anatomical obstructions of blood vessels, nerves, or arteries.

Once that is done, you can take matters into your own hands (so to speak) and look at these other possible options.

#1) Are you in your head?

Do you have a hard time shifting gears from day to day life, right into sexual response?

Of course you do. Who doesn’t?

Please always take into account the fact that –women especially need some time to “come down” and disengage from our overly active intellectual minds. 

It’s completely unrealistic to expect your body to just instantly respond the minute stimulus is introduced. 

Give yourself some time to get fully present in your body, and CONNECT with it, before demanding that it perform for you.

#2) Are you ready? 

One of my favorite info tidbits to share with people is the fact that women have as much erectile tissue internally as a man does externally.

It just takes us 20-45 minutes to get a hard on!

Expecting your body to instantly respond to any sort of stimulation is again- unrealistic.

It’s kinda like trying to go for a 10 mile run without warming up at all, or driving your car in the freezing cold, without warming up the engine first.

Everyone knows the importance of warming up the engine before going on a long or even short drive. Same applies to your body’s sexual engine.

#3) What are you feeling? 

Do have a lot of anxiety or “should’s” about sex?
How do you feel about your partner?
Are there unexpressed hurts between you?
Have you been sexually or emotionally traumatized?

Part of the beauty in the design of the human body is the fact that we store emotions in the cellular tissue.

It is a very normal and natural function to “desensitize “when are experiencing stress, fear, shame, hurt, guilt, or any kind of emotional pain. 

Thoughts, emotions, and traumas that relate to sexuality or our sexual identity naturally get stored in the genital and pelvic region.

This is why regularly practicing exercises such as the 5 core pelvic movements and vulva massage, are so essential to our sexual health and ongoing sexual pleasure.

In my work, I find that so many women and men are in pain about some aspect of their sexual experience; whether it’s past abuse, religious conditioning, being poorly treated and undervalued in relationship, or simply don’t understand their body and the way it works.

If you have questions about your sexual experience, your sexual pleasure, or even just need some perspective, I invite you to contact me for a free consultation, or shoot me an email anytime.

Often the answer to these questions is a lot simpler and easier than one would think.

All it takes is a little education and a change in perspective.

2 Secrets To Creating More Intimacy in Bed!

What’s the secret to ongoing intimacy, in and OUT of the bedroom? Most couples agree that they feel more emotionally, mentally, and physically connected with each other, after a good romp in the sack. But generally that yummy feeling of … Continue reading

Female Sexual Revolution~Why It’s Time To Take Your Pu**Y Back.

There is a war going on my friends.

Make no mistake.

And it’s a war on women.

An organized assault against our sexuality, our personal expression, and yes my friends, yet again, our reproductive rights.

The very WHITE, (Caucasian), very MALE, and very mainstream republican party have proclaimed self-appointed stewardship over our pussies, and it’s time to take them back.

“But I already own my pussy” you may think.

Well I am here to tell you that although it may be physically attached to your body, it is not yours to do with as you wish, with whom you wish, and here’s why.

#1) You live in a culture that condones violence against sexually expressive women.
“Slut shaming” is a term used to describe the verbal and social denigration of a woman who engages in sexual activity outside of prescribed social moral boundaries.

Slut Shaming is verbally and emotionally violent. And it only occurs towards women.

Slut Shaming is a direct expression of social disapproval of a woman’s  SEXUAL behavior, (i.e. what she is doing with her pussy, with whom, & how much.)

You know for certain that slut shaming is occurring when women are being vilified for their sexual expression, (most recent example being Kristin Stewart) and the men with whom they have engaged sexually are completely ignored, and their “transgressions” are overlooked….“boys will be boys.”

#2) As a result of our need for social acceptance, we typically avoid engaging in behavior that our culture has conditioned us to believe is “wrong” , and that could cause us to be ostracized or ridiculed in any way.

This applies to our sexual expression more than anything.

As a result of this subconscious fear we hold back from exploring, expressing, or even fully enjoying our sexuality, and tend to let men (society) inform us what sexual behavior is acceptable for “good girls” to engage in, and what is not.

(i.e. she’s a slut, whore, tramp, hole, etc. for her sexual behavior, even though it was HIS cock that was being fucked and sucked. She’s a WHORE for doing it and even worse if she liked it!)

These typically wealthy, white men have been castrating women’s sexual self-expression for centuries, and now ridiculously, here it comes again, though it’s covered up in sugar candy coating of American Values.

Unless we want our next few years on earth to go down like the modern version of the inquisition, it’s important that we women become educated about what sexual empowerment really means, and not just for ourselves.

It’s vital that we women support each other in our sexual empowerment.

It will not work for one woman in the room to be embodying sexual empowerment, and the rest of the women to act out subconscious social-sexual programming and vilify her for it.

Participating in shaming a woman in anyway for her sexual self- expression is VIOLENCE, and if you are a woman doing that to another woman, you are perpetuating the bullshit patriarchal agenda of culture that condones violence against women. 

Women can be cruel to each other. It’s time for that to stop.

Conquer and divide is a great way of keeping women sexually disconnected & disempowered, and unless women unite as a WHOLE and reclaim their sexual sovereignty, this revolution of consciousness can not attain any true momentum.

The healing begins with communities of women, supporting each other in reclaiming connection to their sexual pleasure and celebrating unbridled sensual expression.

United we stand, divided we fall. Pussies of the world unite.

So what can you do?

#1) GET EDUCATED. Our sexual potential as women is fucking mind bowing. Literally. With over 8 (11 or more) kinds of orgasm that we can experience, very few of us have tapped our full orgasmic potential. Why is this important? Because sexual energy is LIFE energy. It opens your heart, frees your mind and heals your body. That is POWER! And it is YOUR power. Your birthright. Fucking claim it.

#2) Masturbate. Yes. Do it. Do it a lot, in a variety of different ways. Explore your vagina. Don’t wait for the right man to come along and give you permission to experience sexual pleasure. It is your for the taking, right now. The best way to own your pussy is to touch your pussy. A lot.

#3) Dance Sexy. Believe it or not we hold many of these subconscious restrictions to our sexual self-expression, in our bodies, particularly the pelvis. Opening your lower body with the 5 core pelvic movements and sacred erotic dance  will change your life, because you have to feel your vulva and vagina to do these movements.

You will discover the power of your pussy in a whole new way.

I like to say “Free your ass and your mind will follow.”

Our empowerment as women is directly related to the level of freedom and comfort we feel with our sexual expression.

If we are emotionally imprisoned by fear, guilt, and sexual shame, we are partially crippled as human beings, and will die without having realized our full personal, emotional, or spiritual potential.

I invite women everywhere to step up and step out of the psychological prison of sexual repression and claim your birthright to sexual pleasure.

The revolution begins in your vagina. Own it.

If you would like to find out how to take your pussy back with The 4 Principles of Self-Pleasure, visit me at Feminine Emergence.com and schedule a 4 Session Sensual Empowerment Coaching Program.

Let me know if you liked this post below, and share it! Spread the word and start a revolution:)

66 Days Of Self-Pleasure

Devi Ward Tantra

On September 1st, 2012 I will officially begin my 66 days of self-pleasure, which could more accurately be titled 66 days of celibacy, except that I WILL be having sex. Lots of it. Just with myself and no-one else. For … Continue reading

Female Sexual Empowerment & The Walt Disney Syndrome

If you have ever watched a scary movie you know that usually the first person to get killed by the psycho axe murderer, is the girl who has sex.

She’s usually the bubbly, giggly, provocative one in really short shorts, who has no qualms about “going all the way”, while the girl who survives the slaughter is the one who has retained her chastity, and denied the sexual advances of her male suitors.

This may seem insignificant all on it’s own, but this is a common theme that runs throughout all the cultural media that we are exposed to, from the time that we begin listening to bedtime stories and Walt Disney fairy tales, to the time that we read teen novels, Harlequin romance.

We receive our education or “guidance” in this culture about what is socially acceptable behavior for men & women to engage in through our stories, our television shows, our movies, and other forms of media.

We are repeatedly shown images that first suggest to us preferred behavior patterns, and then reinforce that suggestion again, and again, and again, until it becomes a subconscious belief system that we are operating from without even knowing.

Advertisers are well aware of the power of repetition, which is why the same commercials, songs, and advertisements are played ad nauseum. I am 37 years old as I write this book, and to this day I still remember that Dunkin’ Donuts commercial from the East coast that played during the early 80’s, which showed a man rising early every morning with the statement “It’s time to make the donuts!”

I have confused many a friend and lover when I have spent the night at their house, and awoken in the morning singing “Time to make the donuts!” They look at me very confused and say “I didn’t know you were making donuts this morning, wow, what a treat.”

They are inevitably disappointed when I explain to them that donuts will not be forth-coming that particular morning, and that it is simply my cultural conditioning playing out. Yes I’m a joy to sleep with.

We are programmed from birth to accept certain behaviors, certain ideas, and certain beliefs all as part of our social conditioning. And yes, this is a vital function for us as humans, part of socialization so we can co-exist with a degree of relative, if not absolute harmony.

Yet, many of the belief systems that we have been conditioned to accept, especially in regards to our sexuality, are debilitating and harmful, and they are external suggestions that we have subconsciously accepted as our own.

These culturally conditioned belief systems control how we think and feel about our own sexuality, preventing us from innocently exploring that aspect of our HUMANITY, preventing us from knowing and understanding the truth of our own bodies, and our inherent connection to divinity that can be realized through our sensual awareness & sexual bliss.

We have been conditioned to fear our sexuality as women by the social suggestion that bad things happen to “those” kind of girls.

“Good girls don’t, bad girls do.” And who wants to be a bad girl? Cripes!

Bad girls at best get knocked up and live on the wrong side of the tracks in abject poverty, raising a child or two on their own, being social outcasts.

At worst, they get raped and killed, and end up in ditch somewhere, all for wearing a skirt that was too short, and having had too many lovers before.

The Walt Disney syndrome encourages all little “good girls” (and then teenage girls, and then grown women) to “wait” and wish and dream for the handsome prince who will ride up on his shining white horse, give us the kiss of life, and awaken us to a glorious new world of happily ever after.

The underlying suggestions of these stories are:

a) The girl has been living a life of relative suffering or boredom without out him.

b) She is under an evil spell and is sleeping or “dormant” (sexually dormant)

c) He is overcome with her beauty (pretty girls always win) and gives her the “kiss of life” (i.e. again, she is sexually dormant until the big strong handsome man comes and awakens her sexually)

d) They ride off into the sunset, and live happily ever after, her arms wrapped lovingly around his waist, her savior.

So what does this “fairytale” imply to my young and girlish mind?

It implies that; my happiness as a woman is dependent upon finding the right man to “save me” and life does not really begin until that first kiss.

It implies that; my sexual awakening lies in the hands of the perfect man, “my prince”, and that I lie in relative dormancy, living an un-awakened and somewhat unfulfilled life, until he the right man arrives.

And of course I am chaste and demure until that day, just wishing, dreaming, hoping, someday….

And thus I wonder, how many women are still waiting for the “right man” in order to finally “find happiness”?

How many women found “prince charming” only to have him leave her for another woman 10 years and 2 kids down the road?

How many of us kissed man, after man, after man, desperately hoping, wishing and praying that he would finally be THE ONE, and we could finally be happy, the search would be over, life has now begun!

The point I am trying to make with all of this is that- from the time we are little girls, we are overtly and subtly conditioned through various types of cultural suggestion to believe that our life happiness and sexual pleasure lies in the hands of a man, our handsome prince, THE ONE.

Even the wildly popular “modern” female erotic book 50 Shades of Grey follows the pattern of – sexually awkward and un awakened young woman, meets older, wealthy, and sexually powerful man, who takes her under his wing and proceeds to awaken her to her own sexual pleasure. She is enraptured and falls under his spell. Devoted to this one man who has awoken her and given her the kiss of life.

This reads like a Harlequin Romance, but set in modern day. A sexed up version of Snow White and Cinderella, with descriptions of what happens in the bedroom of the big castle, at the end of their sunset ride.

Women are dissuaded from consciously exploring their own sexual pleasure, beyond a clitoral orgasm here and there, and many times not even that.

I have had many women share with me that they have never self-stimulated in any way, and felt very uncomfortable with the thought of doing so for themselves. As if giving themselves sexual pleasure somehow takes away from their partner.

I remember thinking for most of my life that the inside of my vagina was “his territory” , to be reserved for men, or “the right man” to explore.

I was horrified at the thought of sticking something inside of me for my own pleasure, and did so with great reservation and quite tentatively at first, as if I would somehow damage the sanctity of my vagina by daring to venture into that territory by myself.

This fear of owning, knowing, exploring, and understanding our own physical-sexual pleasure keeps us fragmented, helpless, weak, confused, &  dis-empowered in life.

This fear keeps us disconnected from our own intuition, and the inherent knowing that arises from being deeply connected to our bodies and the visceral responses that they give us as guidance. The body knows what it wants. There is a deep instinctive wisdom that we can tap into when we honor the information that it gives using the form of sensations. Pleasure/happy=good, pain/yucky = bad or dangerous. It is that simple.

When we remain ignorant of the most basic understanding of how we feel we offer up control of not just our own pleasure, but our own clear wisdom and choices into the hands of another person, usually our male partners.

Which is also dis-empowering for them, as they are now charged with the task of being responsible for our sexual pleasure & satisfaction, without any real guidance of how to do so.

I believe The Walt Disney Syndrome contributes to sexual dissatisfaction for both men and women, (and partners of all genders) by encouraging unrealistic expectations for both parties. Women believe that the “perfect man” will know how to kiss her perfectly, and fulfill every sexual longing she has ever had (all of her sexual longings being fed her through media, fairy tales, and romance novels such as 50 Shades of Grey).

Read more about Female Sexual Empowerment in my new book- “Shake Your Soul-Song! A Woman’s Guide To Self-Empowerment Through The Art Of Self-Pleasure”

Get a coupon for $5 off your copy when you register for my 7 Favorite Sensual Enrichment Suggestions.

What do you think of The Walt Disney Syndrome? Please share your thoughts and comments below.

Like this article? Share it and spread the word!