3 Keys To Prioritizing Self-Pleasure!

Devi Ward Tantra

Recently a student of mine and I were discussing the revitalizing aspects of pleasure. She is a new mother, and she was expressing how transformative she has found it to prioritize her needs for self-pleasure- sexual and sensual- and how that has positively affected the happiness of her entire family.

We were chuckling at the irony, because when I tell most women that the key to experiencing more inner peace, contentment, and joy in life, is to schedule in 20-30 minutes a day of “self-pleasure,” they look at me like I’m crazy.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” they say. “I have a job, a family, a husband, a PTA meeting. I don’t have time for “self-pleasure”.

Which is exactly the problem!

As women, we are conditioned to prioritize giving to everyone and everything, above giving to ourselves. Our culture tends to glorify self-sacrificing female role models who override their own needs for the sake of their families, friends, co-workers, and children.

As a result of this societal “pressure”, many women feel guilty just thinking about taking time to meet needs for self-care, much less self-pleasure.

And yet one of the vital keys to effectively contributing to the lives of those we love, is honoring our own needs for self-pleasure, as a way of caring for and loving our selves.

When we don’t prioritize meeting our needs for self-love through self-pleasure, we are disconnected from our inner wisdom, and our true source of happiness, love, and joy.

This affects our relationships, our families, our business, our entire lives.

Plus- it just plain sucks walking around feeling tired, overwhelmed, and stressed out because we are not honoring our own needs for self-care.

Understandably, many women mistakenly think of  “self-pleasure” in a sexual context only, but there are many different ways to meet needs for pleasure, (which I describe in my book as The 4 Forms of Pleasure,) which are- Physical/Sensual, Emotional, Spiritual, and Sexual.

I describe how consciously cultivating each of The 4 Forms of Pleasure on a daily basis can enrich physical health and vitality, help improve mood and balance emotions, increase libido, and enhance relationships.

Which all sounds great, but how do you begin prioritizing your own pleasure, and creating more balance, joy, and fulfillment in your life right now? It’s easy.

#1. Awareness– The first step in making any type of change is acknowledging to your self the need for change. Be honest with yourself about the fact that you would like to be experiencing more pleasure and joy in your life, and that you are ready to take action.


#2. Commitment- Look at your weekly planner and daily “to-do” list, and schedule yourself in. I recommend giving your self a good 20-30 minutes of time each day, and possibly scheduling in longer periods of time as often as once a week, and as little as once a month.


#3. Discovery- There are a variety of ways to meet needs for pleasure, such as hot baths, walks in the park, and shopping trips, and these are a great way to fill in the gaps. But if you are wanting to really draw upon the many physical, emotional, and relationship benefits of pleasure, I suggest learning more about The 4 Forms of Pleasure and how they can be accessed through The 4 Principles of Self-Pleasure. You might even be inspired to create your own daily “Pleasure Program.” 


Women are designed to “pay it forward” so to speak. You know that saying “Educate a man and you educate one person; educate a woman and you educate a whole nation?”

Same goes for self-care…..


Want some support creating your own “Pleasure Program? Find out more at http://www.deviward.com


The Arousal Factor…

The Arousal FactorLast week I discussed 2 aspects of “The Libido Issue”-  desire and arousal, and clarified the distinction between the 2.

This week we take an in-depth look at arousal.

Arousal is your body’s ability to respond to sexual stimulation, meaning – when you do engage in sexual activity are you able to enjoy it, and does your body respond the way you would like it to?

If your answer is NO,  fear not, for we have solutions at hand!

There are a few different factors that may be contributing to your body’s seeming lack of cooperation.

Again- it’s important to first rule out any possible medical condition such as hormonal imbalance or deficiency, and confirm that there is no anatomical obstructions of blood vessels, nerves, or arteries.

Once that is done, you can take matters into your own hands (so to speak) and look at these other possible options.

#1) Are you in your head?

Do you have a hard time shifting gears from day to day life, right into sexual response?

Of course you do. Who doesn’t?

Please always take into account the fact that –women especially need some time to “come down” and disengage from our overly active intellectual minds. 

It’s completely unrealistic to expect your body to just instantly respond the minute stimulus is introduced. 

Give yourself some time to get fully present in your body, and CONNECT with it, before demanding that it perform for you.

#2) Are you ready? 

One of my favorite info tidbits to share with people is the fact that women have as much erectile tissue internally as a man does externally.

It just takes us 20-45 minutes to get a hard on!

Expecting your body to instantly respond to any sort of stimulation is again- unrealistic.

It’s kinda like trying to go for a 10 mile run without warming up at all, or driving your car in the freezing cold, without warming up the engine first.

Everyone knows the importance of warming up the engine before going on a long or even short drive. Same applies to your body’s sexual engine.

#3) What are you feeling? 

Do have a lot of anxiety or “should’s” about sex?
How do you feel about your partner?
Are there unexpressed hurts between you?
Have you been sexually or emotionally traumatized?

Part of the beauty in the design of the human body is the fact that we store emotions in the cellular tissue.

It is a very normal and natural function to “desensitize “when are experiencing stress, fear, shame, hurt, guilt, or any kind of emotional pain. 

Thoughts, emotions, and traumas that relate to sexuality or our sexual identity naturally get stored in the genital and pelvic region.

This is why regularly practicing exercises such as the 5 core pelvic movements and vulva massage, are so essential to our sexual health and ongoing sexual pleasure.

In my work, I find that so many women and men are in pain about some aspect of their sexual experience; whether it’s past abuse, religious conditioning, being poorly treated and undervalued in relationship, or simply don’t understand their body and the way it works.

If you have questions about your sexual experience, your sexual pleasure, or even just need some perspective, I invite you to contact me for a free consultation, or shoot me an email anytime.

Often the answer to these questions is a lot simpler and easier than one would think.

All it takes is a little education and a change in perspective.

2 Secrets To Creating More Intimacy in Bed!

What’s the secret to ongoing intimacy, in and OUT of the bedroom? Most couples agree that they feel more emotionally, mentally, and physically connected with each other, after a good romp in the sack. But generally that yummy feeling of … Continue reading

Why Erotic Dance is Sacred

Tantra in Vancouver & SeattleMy latest 8 week Sacred Erotic Dance Series began on April 18th, 2012.

20 women of all ages, shapes, sizes, and ethnicities filled the dance space to begin their own personal journey of sensual healing and empowerment, through Sacred Erotic Dance™.

After our first class ended, many of the women approached me to express their feelings of excitement, exhilaration, gratitude, and enjoyment for the emotional, mental, and physical healing power of this particular movement modality.

The conversation got me thinking about what makes Sacred Erotic Dance™ so, well…. Sacred?

There are a few different answers to that question, and they begin with understanding more about how the mind, body, & emotions work together, to create our internal and external experiences.

We are all familiar with the idea of holding tension, or stress in the body. In our shoulders, our backs, etc. We also store tension, stress, and emotions deep in the cellular tissue of our bodies. So not just the surface muscles are affected by tension, but the actual cells themselves hold trapped energy, tension, trauma, stress.

What causes stress? We often think that the cause of our stress is external, and that does play a part in it. But the true cause of stress is our relationship to our external life circumstances, not the circumstances themselves.

We are born into, grow-up, and live in a culture, (planet really) that has a challenging relationship with sexuality, and sexual expression.

As women, we are quite literally programmed with the subtle suggestion that “good girls don’t and bad girl’s do”.

Do what? Enjoy sex, embody sex, are empowered in sex. Right?

What subtle emotional reaction do you have when you think of “embodying sex”?

My mind immediately went to images of Jessica Rabbit, seductress, something smoky, alluring, and slightly dangerous.

Something to be regarded with caution, safe on the movie screen and in fantasy, but not real life. Something other than me.

This is an example of the subconscious, subtle programming to which I am referring. As women, we are conditioned to fear not just our own sexuality, but that of other women as well.

And we are terrified of fully embodying our sexuality (whatever that may look like), because of the largely unspoken cultural prohibitions against doing so.

Yet, we are encouraged through media that “sex sells” and we need to be “sexy” to get the right guy.

So it’s okay for us to look sexy (within certain social accepted boundaries), but not to truly own & “embody” fully empowered sexual expression.

Part of the issue is that we simply don’t have many role models for what healthy and empowered sexuality looks like.

Our sex symbols generally have some stigma associated  with them as well. Marilyn Monroe was an emotional mess, Angelina Joile is a homewrecker, etc.

And, the only women that we visually see fully engaging in sexual pleasure are porn stars, and the social stigma associated with that goes without mention.

So the point in all of this, is that, our emotional relationship to our sexuality is largely determined by our social and cultural conditioning.

And the conflicting messages that we receive growing up and living in this culture, result in a dysfunctional relationship to our sexuality as women, and an internal emotional landscape of  confusion, fear, guilt, repression, curiosity, you name it.

This emotional confusion get stored in the physical body, particularly the pelvic region, as this is where we store most of our sexual-life energy.

This emotional confusion works effectively to create a sort of psychological chastity belt, that then translates to how we move in our bodies, how we “embody”.

Sacred Erotic Dance is designed to be the medicine healing cure for this. Movement is medicine, Pleasure is medicine, so we combine both of those very potent remedies into one, to create freedom, transformation, healing and growth.

The foundation of Sacred Erotic Dance™ are the 5 core pelvic movements, combined with Authentic Tantra™ methods, breath, awareness, and presence.

Each of the 5 core pelvic movements is designed to open a new area of your body, expand your range of pelvic motion, shake off the psychological chastity belt of social sexual conditioning, and liberate you to your true sensual potential as a woman.

That is what makes Erotic Dance Sacred. 

It is a process of healing, transformation, personal sensual empowerment, sexual embodiment, and growth.

It is a process in which you will reclaim and reawaken aspects of yourself that have been latent, lain dormant under the unspoken suggestion by our society, that you as a women are not allowed to truly embody your divine feminine essence. That to fully embody your sexuality as a woman is not acceptable, and further more, it is not safe.

Through Sacred Erotic Dance™, you will begin to cultivate a relationship of playfulness, healthy curiosity, and self-exploration.

Together in class, we celebrate the sexiness of our sisters, as we reclaim the sexiness of ourselves.

It is an environment of co-creation, collaboration, encouragement and mutual support.

It is sacred sisterhood, the true relationship of fully empowered women.

What is Sacred about Sacred Erotic Dance? It can be unique & different for every woman, yet similar and congruent with the all.

Join me, Devi Ward and Feminine Emergence, and find out for yourself what makes Sacred Erotic Dance so very sacred.