From Hero to Zero:The Day My Orgasms Sucked!

As some of you may know- I often share that one of the main reasons many women may have difficulty experiencing their full orgasmic potential, is a result of unresolved emotions or “traumas” locked in the genital tissue. This frozen … Continue reading

How Authentic Tantra Changed My Life: 6 True Life Testimonials

How To Increase Intimacy In Bed!

Shetroit Sex and Sensuality Column

Devi Ward Column

Q – DEAR DEVI,

My partner and I have been together for more than 10 years. Although I like our sex and the way he touches me, there are times when I desire a little something different.

I’m wondering if you have any suggestions for how to communicate this to him – without making him feel inadequate, or that our sex isn’t good enough?

A – Yes, I do have some suggestions!

First off – I want to congratulate you on your long-term relationship and that you’re still having sex.

The latest statistics show that over 40 million marriages are sexless … so kudos to you!

Secondly – a great thing to keep in mind is that as we mature in life, our bodies change.

Our bodies are in a constant state of flux so depending on what’s going on for us mentally, emotionally, and physically, chances are our sexual sweet spot may not be the same from year to year, or even from experience to experience.

Hormone levels are different, energy levels fluctuate, stress levels may increase or decrease due to children, career, retirement etc.

All of these things will effect how we respond to sexual stimulation, and this is just as true for men as it is for women.

And this is where attitude is all important.

Sex is like a conversation – if we enter into it thinking that we already know what the other person is going to say – there is very little room for growth, expansion, or change.

Personally, I like to approach every sexual experience like an adventure or a “game” of sensual discovery, and I recommend setting aside some time for this by making a sensual “play date” once a week.

This sensual play date is the opportunity for you to begin exploring your new and ever changing bodies with a spirit of curiosity, innocence, and mutual pleasure.

I suggest taking some time to just give and receive sensual touch, while communicating about placement, pressure, and what feels the most delicious for each of you.

It’s kind of like you get to learn each other all over again, but as you are right now – after all those years of commitment, growth, triumph and challenges.

Taking time to explore your sensual pleasure will significantly increase the intimacy in your marriage, and may help resolve lingering intimacy problems, and smooth out relationship difficulties.

Thirdly – believe it or not, there are just as many men as there are women out there craving a little something “different.” And they are often just as afraid to ask for it!

It sounds as if what you are essentially wanting is to deepen your sexual intimacy, deepen the bond between you, and explore your mutual pleasure.

What loving partner wouldn’t want that?

 Find out more about how you can create more conscious loving intimacy, and have more passion and excitement in the bedroom at Better Love and Sex.com

Sexual Disconnect~Why Do I Keep Disconnecting From My Body During Sex?

Sexual Disconnect“Why do I keep disconnecting from my body during sex?” is a question I hear frequently from women all over the world.

This is a common experience for most women, and one which you may be able to relate to- the kissing is hot, the passion juices are flowing, everything is green light go, but when your partner starts touching your genitals, everything goes a little numb.
It’s as if the rest of your body is vibrant and alive with stereo sound, and the sensation in your genitals is sort of… muted.

Or- you are experiencing pleasure, pleasure, pleasure, and then…oops! Oh god, I lost it! Oh crap, where did it go? Now I’m taking too long,…. maybe if he/she just went a little harder/softer/sideways, etc. etc.

And now you’re lost in your head, trying vainly to recapture those sweet moments of bliss you were just starting to get a glimpse of.

Disconnecting from our pleasure and desire during the sexual experience is very, very, common for many women. Most likely every woman will experience varying degrees of presence during sex, at various times throughout each sexual encounter.

But knowing that doesn’t make it any more fun when it happens.

So the question is- why is it happening and what can you do?

There are a few different reasons for disconnecting during sexual intimacy, and usually one or more of these issues is at play in any given moment:

1)  You are have trouble focusing and getting “out of your head”
2)  You are distracted by the recurrent thoughts of what would feel better, but are unable to communicate it verbally.
3)  You are worrying- i.e. am I taking too long, is my partner is getting bored, are my thighs too fat?
4)  You are trying to orgasm, straining, trying to perform
5)  You are feeling emotionally unsafe or uncertain
6)  You are afraid to really feel the pleasure, because it might be over too soon.
7)  You feel uncomfortable with your body, the way it looks, smells, sounds
8)  You feel guilty or shameful about sexual pleasure (i.e. good girls don’t like/want/enjoy sex)
9)  You were sexually abused or violated in your past
10) You experienced a deep heartbreak, painful break-up, or serious let-down from a past relationship

One of these issues is enough to make your sexual pleasure train derail, but the fact of the matter is- often there are a few of these “sensual saboteurs” going on simultaneously.

So what’s a girl to do?

Well the typical answer is to encourage people to “Be More Present” during sex.
 
Which I find really unhelpful given that we spend 90% or more of our waking time lost in thought- thinking of what’s next on our “to do” list, being driven by unconscious thoughts and desires – and yet somehow we expect ourselves to just magically know how to get, and stay present, during sex.

But I ask you – if you’re unable to be present in other area of your life, how could you expect to be instantly present for this area of your life?

If you want to be more present and connect to your body during sex, I invite you to practice BEING present and connected to your body,  in every other moment of your life.

Which is a great thing to say, but how do you actually do it?

The quickest, fastest route for getting present in your body, and out of your head, is by focusing on your breath.

Wherever you are, in any moment, simply notice your breathing pattern.

First- Notice if you are taking short, shallow rabbit breaths, (which is a symptom of fight or flight response,) or are you taking nice full belly breaths. Most likely if you are lost in thoughts and worry about past or future, you are in “fight or flight” response.


Next- take a few nice deep conscious breaths, and FEEL your body.
Feel your lungs and belly expand with air, feel your ribcage lift and open to allow in more life essence. Feel the slow, sweet process of life happening within you.

Then- notice how your body feels. Are there any areas of tension or stress? Take a few moments to consciously breath into any areas of physical, emotional, or energetic tension. Bring your conscious awareness and your breath to these areas, and relax.

I invite you to do this exercise for 5-10 minutes, several times during your day. Some people call this meditation, or you can simply think of it as “body – awareness.”

After practicing being present for a while outside of your sexual experience, I invite you to do the same practice of self-awareness during your sexual experience.

Become aware of your breathing pattern during sexual pleasure, and consciously practice taking deep full breathes.

Instead of following thoughts in your head, follow the sensations in your body, and when they run into little obstacles, (or “blocks to bliss”), breathe into those areas of tension and dullness, and practice relaxing, softening, and letting go.

You may find a whole new depth of pleasure, connection, and joy in your sexual experience, and a profound intimacy with yourself and your significant other.

Wanna experience your FULL orgasmic potential as a woman? I invite you to contact me and begin creating your Personal Pleasure Program  for awakening your true sexual pleasure potential!

Yin and Yang ~ The Key To Sexual Harmony

Sexual HarmonyYin = feminine, yield/opens, soothes, nurtures, cooling.
Yang = masculine, penetrates, protects, challenges, warming.

Understand this & you will know how to live masculine & feminine polarized in bliss & love.

Do not make the error of attaching to one, both are always merging and becoming the other.

Women must learn to be strong without trying to be like men. It was useful to gain equality and rights, but now it can be an impediment in our sexual culture.

The power of woman is Yin, it is actually stated in some Taoist texts that yin is more powerful, as yin can yield and open to absorb all yang, she is flexible, like a willow tree in the wind, not like an oak tree.

Oak challenges the wind with firmness, and big branches break. The willow just flows and bends, very few branches fall.

Look to the power of Tai Chi, no resistance, bends & flows around the challenge-energy of attack.

The more the challenge-energy attacks, the more there is for the tai chi to overcome that very force, or embrace it and bring it to harmony & peace. Do you see?

The power of woman is magnificent, but not if she tries to use male force against, or in relationship, with male force.

There will only be pain for both.

Women, dance in polarity, openness & yielding in love, blissful, strong at heart, balanced.

Men, protect her, challenge her with love and you will both grow, lovingly penetrate her deeply for long periods of time, hours, without ejaculation and she will treat you like a king, and you will retain your strength, unafraid of woman power.

If we do this the patriarchy that is terrified of women will fall. Then there will be harmony. Get to work!

Learn more about Lasting Longer for Men and The Art of Female Pleasure at www.betterloveandsex.com.

The Arousal Factor…

The Arousal FactorLast week I discussed 2 aspects of “The Libido Issue”-  desire and arousal, and clarified the distinction between the 2.

This week we take an in-depth look at arousal.

Arousal is your body’s ability to respond to sexual stimulation, meaning – when you do engage in sexual activity are you able to enjoy it, and does your body respond the way you would like it to?

If your answer is NO,  fear not, for we have solutions at hand!

There are a few different factors that may be contributing to your body’s seeming lack of cooperation.

Again- it’s important to first rule out any possible medical condition such as hormonal imbalance or deficiency, and confirm that there is no anatomical obstructions of blood vessels, nerves, or arteries.

Once that is done, you can take matters into your own hands (so to speak) and look at these other possible options.

#1) Are you in your head?

Do you have a hard time shifting gears from day to day life, right into sexual response?

Of course you do. Who doesn’t?

Please always take into account the fact that –women especially need some time to “come down” and disengage from our overly active intellectual minds. 

It’s completely unrealistic to expect your body to just instantly respond the minute stimulus is introduced. 

Give yourself some time to get fully present in your body, and CONNECT with it, before demanding that it perform for you.

#2) Are you ready? 

One of my favorite info tidbits to share with people is the fact that women have as much erectile tissue internally as a man does externally.

It just takes us 20-45 minutes to get a hard on!

Expecting your body to instantly respond to any sort of stimulation is again- unrealistic.

It’s kinda like trying to go for a 10 mile run without warming up at all, or driving your car in the freezing cold, without warming up the engine first.

Everyone knows the importance of warming up the engine before going on a long or even short drive. Same applies to your body’s sexual engine.

#3) What are you feeling? 

Do have a lot of anxiety or “should’s” about sex?
How do you feel about your partner?
Are there unexpressed hurts between you?
Have you been sexually or emotionally traumatized?

Part of the beauty in the design of the human body is the fact that we store emotions in the cellular tissue.

It is a very normal and natural function to “desensitize “when are experiencing stress, fear, shame, hurt, guilt, or any kind of emotional pain. 

Thoughts, emotions, and traumas that relate to sexuality or our sexual identity naturally get stored in the genital and pelvic region.

This is why regularly practicing exercises such as the 5 core pelvic movements and vulva massage, are so essential to our sexual health and ongoing sexual pleasure.

In my work, I find that so many women and men are in pain about some aspect of their sexual experience; whether it’s past abuse, religious conditioning, being poorly treated and undervalued in relationship, or simply don’t understand their body and the way it works.

If you have questions about your sexual experience, your sexual pleasure, or even just need some perspective, I invite you to contact me for a free consultation, or shoot me an email anytime.

Often the answer to these questions is a lot simpler and easier than one would think.

All it takes is a little education and a change in perspective.

Help! What happened to my Libido?!

Female Libido One of the number one questions I receive from women all over the world is- “How can I increase my natural desire for sex?” i.e. how do I increase my libido?

I recently read a very insightful article addressing just this issue, which broke down the libido question into 2 categories- 1. desire for sex or 2. sexual aroual.

Libido is defined as- a person’s overall sexual drive or desire for sexual activity, which would look something like- your partner walks in the door and you want to jump their bones.

This is an entirely different issue than one of sexual arousal, which would look like- you jump your partners bones, but don’t really feel physically turned on, have much sensation, and/or have difficulty experiencing orgasms.

From my perspective (and the previously mentioned authors perspective) these are 2 very different scenarios, which will require very different strategies to correct.

Libido – (actual desire for sex)- can be affected by a number of different circumstances.

Personally, I find that once a possible hormonal imbalance or deficiency has been ruled out, the top 2 culprits for lack of sexual desire are:

#1. Stress, and

#2. Relationship issues such as- unexpressed emotions of hurt and/or resentment.

So when a woman asks me about how to increase her libido, I typically answer with a question of my own which is-

“How stressed out are you?”

Our modern lives are filled with an inordinate amount of ongoing daily stress triggers, keeping us in an almost constant state of fight or flight.

Being in this constant state of high alert wears down our body, causing physical aging and degeneration of tissue, and contributes to emotional irritability and lack of present moment awareness (think inner peace and joy!)

This can leave us feeling exhausted, depleted, and drained. I compare this to draining a battery, and as we all know batteries operate on electrical charge.

Think of your sexual desire in a similar way, as a current or charge of energy.

If you are feeling drained and depleted by the overwhelming demands of life, you probably won’t have a lot of extra juice available for frequent sexual connection.

Unexpressed feelings of hurt or resentment also drain the life energy out of a relationship, so chances are if you aren’t  “sexing” it’s because you aren’t saying something that needs to be communicated in order for you to WANT to be physically intimate with that person.

I also find that for many women sexual desire is more of an emotional impulse than a physical urge.

If you aren’t feeling emotionally connected to your partner, if there are walls and barriers between you, then the desire for sexual union can be almost entirely snuffed out.

Remember- sexual desire is the physical expression of  our heart and soul’s desire for union.

If desire for sex isn’t the problem, the next thing to look at is the arousal factor, which I will share some insights about next week.

Do you have questions about your sexual experience?

Would you like to learn more about your FULL orgasmic potential as a woman?

Contact me for a free consultation, or visit us at Better Love and Sex.com

 

How To Lasting Longer & Multiple Orgasms For Men

ag_Love_sensual_sex_Imagineglow_Love_helex_2_Randomness_amor_Couples_pic_Niki_couple_stories_sexy_love_gostaffo_erotic_art_pic_nice_black_white_me_and_you_Sen%5B1%5DSince I wrote the recent article on optimum frequency for male ejaculation, I have received many questions asking about the correct methods for successful semen retention to last longer in bed.

The main question men have is – HOW to do it effectively, and problems they have with the method they are using.

I remind all of you that Authentic Tantra is a secret oral tradition from great Lineages of masters, and you cannot learn Tantra from a book.

Anyone who possesses the real instruction is well aware of why it is secret and will not reveal it casually.

If they do they are irresponsible about others’ welfare. You don’t take someone who barely can paddle a surfboard big wave surfing, it won’t go well.

True instruction is based on progress. Soon you will be a big wave surfer ,so to speak, but first you must learn to paddle right or you will be stuck on the beach.

That being said, the urge to retain semen is human maturity, if you are an untrained 2 to 7 minute squirter (international average time of penetration), you are having sex like a 14 year old boy.

The method used to retain semen and last longer is critical.

Many men come to me and say something like “I tried semen retention, after a month I was so frustrated I gave up”.

My response is always the same… “what method did you use and did you orgasm without ejaculation?”

Not one ever had a non-ejaculatory orgasm, and all used about the same method.

Of course they were frustrated!!! I would be too. 

The basic default method most men try on their own or heard about but never studied is the “anal lock”method.

This involves tightening and holding the semen back with powerful contraction of the PC muscles.

Bottom line it is a shitty method.

Oh it will hold the semen back, but you will not enjoy it, and if you do it with a woman, they definitely do not enjoy it. I have had women come to me in tears because their partner used this method, that is how much they dislike it.

It can also over time lead to retrograde ejaculation which is not that good for us in excess, correct method has no retrograde aspect, instead the semen is transmuted into fabulous chemistries.

The anal lock uses tightness, contraction, witholding emotionally and energetically, all the very things that must be undone to actually orgasm without ejaculation!

So as you can guess I do not teach this useless method, in my opinion a waste of time at best, worse it can create blocks to bliss that require a lot of effort to overcome.

At Authentic Tantra, we teach 5 different semen retention methods for lasting longer in bed. Three are taught to beginners right away, the other 2 in advanced classes. These methods are simple, easy, natural, and very effective.

You can begin using them day-one with good result.

Some of my male students are having whole-body multiple non-ejaculatory orgasms within 1 or 2 years of learning!

This is an amazing result. The key lies in correct instruction and method.

They also were having other types of orgasm before the whole body orgasms began. Men are capable of 6 types of orgasm! Woohoo!

If you ejaculate you only know of 1.

Whole body orgasms for a man are an inconceivable experience. Trying to describe it is like describing any orgasm to someone who has never had one.

Have one and you will know a secret of the Tantric Arts of Love. And women will dig you!!!

The correct instructions are on-line at Authentic Tantra.

Please don’t tell me it costs too much. I watch people drop way more to go snowboarding for 1 day.

We are talking about your sexuality (and your lovers’) for the rest of your life!

I will give you all this core instruction:
All Tantra begins and ends in the heart, this is emotional, energetic and yogic. The fundamental principle of practice is “present relaxed awareness with focus”. Each of these 4 words comes with volumes of instruction, each an aspect of real Tantra, each must be in place , male or female, or good result will not be realized. Start now with each, the instructions for this are in “Intimacy Essentials” course.

In time it will become a single disposition, you will have peace of mind, happiness, calmness along with great sexual love and enjoyment.

I honour every single man who wants to learn this, by changing yourself you are changing the world in a powerful way, so thank you.

Peace and happiness,

Jacques Drouin

How Long Should You Retain Semen Between Ejaculations?

Image
I had a student call me from the Skytrain recently. He had just practiced Tantric breathing with a new friend, no sex, and was experiencing discomfort in his testicles.

He is polyamorous with a primary partner. He has been practicing tantra about one year, so I asked him how long since he had ejaculated. 8 months he said. I burst out laughing, “dude, you are a beginner, I said 6 to 8 weeks, not months, time to rip one off!!!”. He was delighted and said his wife was going to have great night!

The story is amusing but I thought I had better clarify this.

When we say semen retention, we don’t mean never ejaculate.

Ejaculatory Orgasms are one of our 6 wonderful male multiple orgasms!

It is excess frequency that is the liability.

So below I include some guidelines for men to manage their Jing (that is your juiciness guys, makes you sexy to girls, or guys if you swing that way):

These are guidelines, you are your own master, choose wisely your timing.

Life conditions also affect these time frames.

As a beginner proceed with patience and work towards a minimum base line of 6 weeks between ejaculations, while having NON-ejaculatory orgasms.

Maybe you can only do 2 to 3 weeks, OK, then 3 to 4 weeks, then 5 to 6, easy and relaxed.

This is of course with pleasuring or intercourse too, but not having ejaculation.

Proceeding like this will allow your chi to rebuild to the point you can have non-ejaculatory orgasms, from there they will grow in intensity, trust me!!

Also allows for deep vital organ repair and regeneration.

If you are solo; practicing tantra alone, work up to 3 months, range 6 weeks to 12 weeks.

If you are in a monogamous relationship; then work up to 3 months, range 9 to 12 weeks.

If you are polyamorous with more than one active partner; the energy, both yogic and emotional, will be much higher and can cause discomfort (as above).

In this case I suggest a baseline of 6 to 8 weeks maximum. When advanced you can adjust this per your own sensitivity to your levels and needs.

If you ejaculate less than once every 6 weeks you will have minimal to no recovery time, you will have built up some stores.

Do not ejaculate again within 8 days minimum or you will pay a price of depletion.

Unless you are solo, ejaculation should always be with a partner, sharing your essence with love on purpose, not as an accidental involuntary reflex.

Hey I know, accidents happen, but if it is regular it is not an accident it is lazy-mindedness!

Taoist sexual yoga states that the Taoist masters best frequency is ejaculate once every 100 sessions. That is a lot of counting, and we are not in caves or temples.

Yet if one practices daily 100 sessions is just over 3 months.

There you have it, if you have questions please ask, that is what I am here for.

Sincerely,

Jacques Drouin

The Relationship Between Sex And Self-Worth

If you had asked me 5 years ago what “sexual healing” meant to me, I would have looked at you in confusion, blushed with embarrassment, and tried to change the subject. I, just like every one else I knew, found the topic of sex to be intriguing, somewhat bewildering, and quite uncomfortable to discuss openly.

Certainly I had no frame of reference for the concept of  “healing” in that area, and no knowledge of the direct relationship that exists for women between their sexual “comfort,” and their feelings of self-confidence and self-worth.

I, like many women in western culture, was indoctrinated with the belief that “good girls don’t and bad girls do”.  I spent much of my childhood and young adulthood trying desperately to shut out, shove away, and divorce myself from any knowledge of my sexual pleasure or desires, in fear of being categorized as a “bad girl”- a sentence which carried with it a whole host of undesirable outcomes.

Because of the terrifying cultural condemnation of my natural sexual curiosity, I proceeded to break myself into little pieces of acceptable and unacceptable parts, and filed the “bad” bits away deep within my psyche, in hopes that no one would ever find out what a naughty girl I really was.

The reality though, is that we cannot truly separate any part of ourselves from the rest of ourselves, without experiencing a fragmentation and wounding of our essential essence.

Somewhere locked away in that box of bad and naughty bits were aspects of my personality, which were vital components to my experience of self-worth, self-acceptance, and the intuitive wisdom of my soul.

These pieces of my soul, (which were integral to a healthy, wholesome, and empowered sense of self,) were buried beneath layers of sexual guilt, fear, shame, and ignorance, and were revealed only through the process of exploring and allowing my sexual pleasure to emerge.

Recent studies cited by author Naomi Wolf in her book “Vagina-A New Biography,” validate the relationship between sexuality and self-worth for women from a scientific perspective.  She states “when a woman feels empowered to think about pleasurable sex, anticipate it, focus on how to get it, and feels in control of and knowledgeable enough about her body to know she can probably reach orgasm during sex – her brain gets a boost of the neurotransmitter dopamine.”

For all the science geeks out there- Dopamine is the neurotransmitter responsible for motivation and goal-oriented ness, trust in one’s own judgment, and most importantly, feeling self-empowered and confident.

My personal experience has been that- as my relationship to my sexuality has become free from culturally imposed attitudes of shame, fear, and guilt, new channels of self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-love, and self-respect have been opened and revealed. I naturally and effortlessly feel more whole, more connected, and more worthy of happiness, peace, joy, and “the good things” in all areas of my life.

The fact that my personal sense of self-worth was directly related to my sexuality came as a huge surprise at first, but as the layers of shame, guilt, and confusion have fallen away, I now experience the world with a peace and clarity that I believe every woman should have access to. Sexual self-acceptance is our birthright, and the gateway to a healthy, whole and fully integrated sense of Self.

So how do you get from A-B?

The task can seem daunting, but I assure it is a sweet journey, well worth undertaking.

Listen in as Tantra Master Healer Jacques Drouin and I discuss Healing Sexual Trauma on Better Love and Sex Radio!

Subscribe to Better Love and Sex in itunes and never miss a show!

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