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As some of you may know- I often share that one of the main reasons many women may have difficulty experiencing their full orgasmic potential, is a result of unresolved emotions or “traumas” locked in the genital tissue. This frozen … Continue reading
This is a common experience for most women, and one which you may be able to relate to- the kissing is hot, the passion juices are flowing, everything is green light go, but when your partner starts touching your genitals, everything goes a little numb.
It’s as if the rest of your body is vibrant and alive with stereo sound, and the sensation in your genitals is sort of… muted.
Or- you are experiencing pleasure, pleasure, pleasure, and then…oops! Oh god, I lost it! Oh crap, where did it go? Now I’m taking too long,…. maybe if he/she just went a little harder/softer/sideways, etc. etc.
And now you’re lost in your head, trying vainly to recapture those sweet moments of bliss you were just starting to get a glimpse of.
Disconnecting from our pleasure and desire during the sexual experience is very, very, common for many women. Most likely every woman will experience varying degrees of presence during sex, at various times throughout each sexual encounter.
But knowing that doesn’t make it any more fun when it happens.
So the question is- why is it happening and what can you do?
There are a few different reasons for disconnecting during sexual intimacy, and usually one or more of these issues is at play in any given moment:
1) You are have trouble focusing and getting “out of your head”
2) You are distracted by the recurrent thoughts of what would feel better, but are unable to communicate it verbally.
3) You are worrying- i.e. am I taking too long, is my partner is getting bored, are my thighs too fat?
4) You are trying to orgasm, straining, trying to perform
5) You are feeling emotionally unsafe or uncertain
6) You are afraid to really feel the pleasure, because it might be over too soon.
7) You feel uncomfortable with your body, the way it looks, smells, sounds
8) You feel guilty or shameful about sexual pleasure (i.e. good girls don’t like/want/enjoy sex)
9) You were sexually abused or violated in your past
10) You experienced a deep heartbreak, painful break-up, or serious let-down from a past relationship
One of these issues is enough to make your sexual pleasure train derail, but the fact of the matter is- often there are a few of these “sensual saboteurs” going on simultaneously.
So what’s a girl to do?
Well the typical answer is to encourage people to “Be More Present” during sex.
Which I find really unhelpful given that we spend 90% or more of our waking time lost in thought- thinking of what’s next on our “to do” list, being driven by unconscious thoughts and desires – and yet somehow we expect ourselves to just magically know how to get, and stay present, during sex.
But I ask you – if you’re unable to be present in other area of your life, how could you expect to be instantly present for this area of your life?
If you want to be more present and connect to your body during sex, I invite you to practice BEING present and connected to your body, in every other moment of your life.
Which is a great thing to say, but how do you actually do it?
The quickest, fastest route for getting present in your body, and out of your head, is by focusing on your breath.
Wherever you are, in any moment, simply notice your breathing pattern.
First- Notice if you are taking short, shallow rabbit breaths, (which is a symptom of fight or flight response,) or are you taking nice full belly breaths. Most likely if you are lost in thoughts and worry about past or future, you are in “fight or flight” response.
Next- take a few nice deep conscious breaths, and FEEL your body.
Feel your lungs and belly expand with air, feel your ribcage lift and open to allow in more life essence. Feel the slow, sweet process of life happening within you.
Then- notice how your body feels. Are there any areas of tension or stress? Take a few moments to consciously breath into any areas of physical, emotional, or energetic tension. Bring your conscious awareness and your breath to these areas, and relax.
I invite you to do this exercise for 5-10 minutes, several times during your day. Some people call this meditation, or you can simply think of it as “body – awareness.”
After practicing being present for a while outside of your sexual experience, I invite you to do the same practice of self-awareness during your sexual experience.
Become aware of your breathing pattern during sexual pleasure, and consciously practice taking deep full breathes.
Instead of following thoughts in your head, follow the sensations in your body, and when they run into little obstacles, (or “blocks to bliss”), breathe into those areas of tension and dullness, and practice relaxing, softening, and letting go.
You may find a whole new depth of pleasure, connection, and joy in your sexual experience, and a profound intimacy with yourself and your significant other.
Wanna experience your FULL orgasmic potential as a woman? I invite you to contact me and begin creating your Personal Pleasure Program for awakening your true sexual pleasure potential!
Understand this & you will know how to live masculine & feminine polarized in bliss & love.
Do not make the error of attaching to one, both are always merging and becoming the other.
Women must learn to be strong without trying to be like men. It was useful to gain equality and rights, but now it can be an impediment in our sexual culture.
The power of woman is Yin, it is actually stated in some Taoist texts that yin is more powerful, as yin can yield and open to absorb all yang, she is flexible, like a willow tree in the wind, not like an oak tree.
Oak challenges the wind with firmness, and big branches break. The willow just flows and bends, very few branches fall.
Look to the power of Tai Chi, no resistance, bends & flows around the challenge-energy of attack.
The more the challenge-energy attacks, the more there is for the tai chi to overcome that very force, or embrace it and bring it to harmony & peace. Do you see?
The power of woman is magnificent, but not if she tries to use male force against, or in relationship, with male force.
There will only be pain for both.
Women, dance in polarity, openness & yielding in love, blissful, strong at heart, balanced.
Men, protect her, challenge her with love and you will both grow, lovingly penetrate her deeply for long periods of time, hours, without ejaculation and she will treat you like a king, and you will retain your strength, unafraid of woman power.
If we do this the patriarchy that is terrified of women will fall. Then there will be harmony. Get to work!
He is polyamorous with a primary partner. He has been practicing tantra about one year, so I asked him how long since he had ejaculated. 8 months he said. I burst out laughing, “dude, you are a beginner, I said 6 to 8 weeks, not months, time to rip one off!!!”. He was delighted and said his wife was going to have great night!
The story is amusing but I thought I had better clarify this.
When we say semen retention, we don’t mean never ejaculate.
Ejaculatory Orgasms are one of our 6 wonderful male multiple orgasms!
It is excess frequency that is the liability.
So below I include some guidelines for men to manage their Jing (that is your juiciness guys, makes you sexy to girls, or guys if you swing that way):
These are guidelines, you are your own master, choose wisely your timing.
Life conditions also affect these time frames.
As a beginner proceed with patience and work towards a minimum base line of 6 weeks between ejaculations, while having NON-ejaculatory orgasms.
Maybe you can only do 2 to 3 weeks, OK, then 3 to 4 weeks, then 5 to 6, easy and relaxed.
This is of course with pleasuring or intercourse too, but not having ejaculation.
Proceeding like this will allow your chi to rebuild to the point you can have non-ejaculatory orgasms, from there they will grow in intensity, trust me!!
Also allows for deep vital organ repair and regeneration.
If you are solo; practicing tantra alone, work up to 3 months, range 6 weeks to 12 weeks.
If you are in a monogamous relationship; then work up to 3 months, range 9 to 12 weeks.
If you are polyamorous with more than one active partner; the energy, both yogic and emotional, will be much higher and can cause discomfort (as above).
In this case I suggest a baseline of 6 to 8 weeks maximum. When advanced you can adjust this per your own sensitivity to your levels and needs.
If you ejaculate less than once every 6 weeks you will have minimal to no recovery time, you will have built up some stores.
Do not ejaculate again within 8 days minimum or you will pay a price of depletion.
Unless you are solo, ejaculation should always be with a partner, sharing your essence with love on purpose, not as an accidental involuntary reflex.
Hey I know, accidents happen, but if it is regular it is not an accident it is lazy-mindedness!
Taoist sexual yoga states that the Taoist masters best frequency is ejaculate once every 100 sessions. That is a lot of counting, and we are not in caves or temples.
Yet if one practices daily 100 sessions is just over 3 months.
There you have it, if you have questions please ask, that is what I am here for.
If you had asked me 5 years ago what “sexual healing” meant to me, I would have looked at you in confusion, blushed with embarrassment, and tried to change the subject. I, just like every one else I knew, found the topic of sex to be intriguing, somewhat bewildering, and quite uncomfortable to discuss openly.
Certainly I had no frame of reference for the concept of “healing” in that area, and no knowledge of the direct relationship that exists for women between their sexual “comfort,” and their feelings of self-confidence and self-worth.
I, like many women in western culture, was indoctrinated with the belief that “good girls don’t and bad girls do”. I spent much of my childhood and young adulthood trying desperately to shut out, shove away, and divorce myself from any knowledge of my sexual pleasure or desires, in fear of being categorized as a “bad girl”- a sentence which carried with it a whole host of undesirable outcomes.
Because of the terrifying cultural condemnation of my natural sexual curiosity, I proceeded to break myself into little pieces of acceptable and unacceptable parts, and filed the “bad” bits away deep within my psyche, in hopes that no one would ever find out what a naughty girl I really was.
The reality though, is that we cannot truly separate any part of ourselves from the rest of ourselves, without experiencing a fragmentation and wounding of our essential essence.
Somewhere locked away in that box of bad and naughty bits were aspects of my personality, which were vital components to my experience of self-worth, self-acceptance, and the intuitive wisdom of my soul.
These pieces of my soul, (which were integral to a healthy, wholesome, and empowered sense of self,) were buried beneath layers of sexual guilt, fear, shame, and ignorance, and were revealed only through the process of exploring and allowing my sexual pleasure to emerge.
Recent studies cited by author Naomi Wolf in her book “Vagina-A New Biography,” validate the relationship between sexuality and self-worth for women from a scientific perspective. She states “when a woman feels empowered to think about pleasurable sex, anticipate it, focus on how to get it, and feels in control of and knowledgeable enough about her body to know she can probably reach orgasm during sex – her brain gets a boost of the neurotransmitter dopamine.”
For all the science geeks out there- Dopamine is the neurotransmitter responsible for motivation and goal-oriented ness, trust in one’s own judgment, and most importantly, feeling self-empowered and confident.
My personal experience has been that- as my relationship to my sexuality has become free from culturally imposed attitudes of shame, fear, and guilt, new channels of self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-love, and self-respect have been opened and revealed. I naturally and effortlessly feel more whole, more connected, and more worthy of happiness, peace, joy, and “the good things” in all areas of my life.
The fact that my personal sense of self-worth was directly related to my sexuality came as a huge surprise at first, but as the layers of shame, guilt, and confusion have fallen away, I now experience the world with a peace and clarity that I believe every woman should have access to. Sexual self-acceptance is our birthright, and the gateway to a healthy, whole and fully integrated sense of Self.
So how do you get from A-B?
The task can seem daunting, but I assure it is a sweet journey, well worth undertaking.
Listen in as Tantra Master Healer Jacques Drouin and I discuss Healing Sexual Trauma on Better Love and Sex Radio!
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- The Nasty Little Secret You Keep Inside…. (deviward.wordpress.com)