Q – DEAR DEVI,
My partner and I have been together for more than 10 years. Although I like our sex and the way he touches me, there are times when I desire a little something different.
I’m wondering if you have any suggestions for how to communicate this to him – without making him feel inadequate, or that our sex isn’t good enough?
A – Yes, I do have some suggestions!
First off – I want to congratulate you on your long-term relationship and that you’re still having sex.
The latest statistics show that over 40 million marriages are sexless … so kudos to you!
Secondly – a great thing to keep in mind is that as we mature in life, our bodies change.
Our bodies are in a constant state of flux so depending on what’s going on for us mentally, emotionally, and physically, chances are our sexual sweet spot may not be the same from year to year, or even from experience to experience.
Hormone levels are different, energy levels fluctuate, stress levels may increase or decrease due to children, career, retirement etc.
All of these things will effect how we respond to sexual stimulation, and this is just as true for men as it is for women.
And this is where attitude is all important.
Sex is like a conversation – if we enter into it thinking that we already know what the other person is going to say – there is very little room for growth, expansion, or change.
Personally, I like to approach every sexual experience like an adventure or a “game” of sensual discovery, and I recommend setting aside some time for this by making a sensual “play date” once a week.
This sensual play date is the opportunity for you to begin exploring your new and ever changing bodies with a spirit of curiosity, innocence, and mutual pleasure.
I suggest taking some time to just give and receive sensual touch, while communicating about placement, pressure, and what feels the most delicious for each of you.
It’s kind of like you get to learn each other all over again, but as you are right now – after all those years of commitment, growth, triumph and challenges.
Taking time to explore your sensual pleasure will significantly increase the intimacy in your marriage, and may help resolve lingering intimacy problems, and smooth out relationship difficulties.
Thirdly – believe it or not, there are just as many men as there are women out there craving a little something “different.” And they are often just as afraid to ask for it!
It sounds as if what you are essentially wanting is to deepen your sexual intimacy, deepen the bond between you, and explore your mutual pleasure.
What loving partner wouldn’t want that?