My Name is Devi Ward and this is the totally absurd story of how practicing Tantric Sex healed my soul.
I was born in 1974, the result of an inter-racial marriage. My father is of African, European, & Native American ancestry (otherwise known as black). My mother is half Polish & half Czechoslovakian, blond, blue-eyed, aka white.
My parents were married in Detroit, Michigan in 1969, just 2 YEARS after inter-racial marriage was no longer considered a felony offense in many American states.
I grew up in Maryland, New Jersey, and Michigan. My parents divorced when I was 6, and I lived with mom in predominantly white, working-class neighborhoods, while she struggled to make ends meet as a single parent.
I am what is called a “hi-yella”, my skin tone is very light, pale, even ivory colored at times. I burn easily, need sunscreen, and have sun-damage as a result of my negligence in this area.
My hair on the other hand is nappy, very curly, unruly, and a white woman’s nightmare!
Growing up, the images of feminine beauty that I aspired to all had long, flowing, straight, (usually) blond hair. All of my female friends were white, and boys liked them.
Even in 3rd grade, they were considered “pretty”, while I with the freakishly pale skin, nasty hair, and freckles was more than just an ugly duckling, I was a racial absurdity, and there was no one like me around for miles.
I was conditioned at a very young age to believe that white women were superior to me, and that white men were just plain superior.
My life experiences confirmed this belief on a regular basis, and the images of beauty that I was and still am exposed to, continue to re-affirm this culturally conditioned belief.
And then, something extraordinary and completely unimagined occurred. I started practicing Tantra. Sex that is. I started practicing Tantric Sex.
I started practicing CONSCIOUS SEX, meaning, I stopped chasing the romantic dream that had been spoon-fed to me through mainstream media as my “fulfillment”, and I chose to explore sexuality as a path of self-realization, self-awareness, and self-empowerment.
I began to experience levels of pleasure that were indescribable. I literally lost my mind, and entered altered states of consciousness, that were generated by physical-sexual-bliss.
I began unlocking emotional traumas that had crystalized in my body, and had severely inhibited my sense of self- confidence and self-worth as a woman.
Seemingly minor traumas such as; being described as repulsively ugly by these pretty white boys that society treated as young gods.
Doors that had previously been locked flew open, as a result of awakening to sensations of sexual bliss that are beyond description.
Beyond the rational workings of my conscious mind, into the as yet untapped depth of my subconscious, that which was hidden before rose to the surface, as a result of engaging the shadow of my sexuality …consciously.
I began to heal from wounds that I did not even know I had.
I began to reclaim sexual awareness… and awareness is POWER!
I wish that I could convey in words the depth and profundity of personal healing that has occurred simply as a result of practicing Tantric Sex.
It seems ridiculous, it seems absurd that SEX, SEX, conscious SEX could lead to the complete healing of wounds that were so deep and so painful, that I was unable to see them directly, and the scope of their effect upon my life and my choices.
What I discovered through Tantra, of all the weird and bizarre things, is that racism is a cultural condition.
It is a program that is introduced to us as a society on an almost imperceptible level, and maintained, reinforced again & again by mainstream media, and our cultural orientation as a whole.
Unless you are on the receiving end of the equation, you will never understand the effect of it. Never.
Just as those who have experienced the emotionally crippling effects of living in a culture indoctrinated with racism, will never understand what it is like to live without it’s shadow.
As a result of unraveling my social and cultural conditioning in relationship to sexual acceptance and normalcy, I began to unravel a much deeper level of subtle programing relating to race and social acceptance.
As I became sexually free and empowered, sexually satisfied and celebrated, a much deeper level of suffering became apparent, and the ways in which I had been sensually repressed as a woman became glaringly obvious.
The ways in which that occurred because of my race became even more so.
The divinely beautiful irony is that, the catalyst for all of this epic growth was the result of being brutally rejected by one of those superior white men, that I oh so adored, but could never quite convince of my worth.
I was in fact “dismissed”, to make way for “the great white goddess”, a woman I would always and forever fall short, according to my racial programming.
Day after day I was confronted head on with the internal belief of my inherent inferiority.
For I am not white, blond, wealthy, beautiful, and socially well adjusted. I am light skinned, nappy haired, beautiful yes, but socially maladjusted, and definitely NOT normal!
I live on the fringes of society and have yet to experience social acceptance at the level of mainstream white society.
Nor do I ever aspire to at this point. I have earned my freedom from the mainstream mind, and I intend to keep it.
I am now married to a white man, who through his love and emotional acceptance, has become my best friend, and my healer on many levels. We consider ourselves “poly-amorous”, we have the ability to love many, not just the romantic dream of one.
This for me is another example of healing and empowerment, for instead of hoarding and owning his love out of fear of scarcity or lack, as my partners friend, I truly desire his love and happiness, as well as my own.
We accept that though we may fill many needs for each other, we don’t fill all of them, and we celebrate and uphold our individual freedom to meet needs for connection, expression and joy with others and in other ways.
I continue to find it absurd that the deepest most profound healing of my life resulted from the simple practices of sexual communication, eye-contact, genital massage, and semen retention.
It’s stupid that something as obvious as SEX, could be a gateway to such internal emancipation.
The profound absurdity of my Tantric Healing, is that my fractured soul and the depth of my wound was not only revealed to me, but HEALED through simple, effective, conscious, SEX!!
I hope it will be for you as well, should you choose to walk upon that path.